Lessons Learned

Hello, ALOHA, thanks for stopping by! I missed this. The last few years, have really been a challenging and for the first time ever, I can be confident that ….if you’re reading this, you can probably relate!

Yes, we all know, learning experiences can be painful and messy so I’ll spare you the details, they’re going into a book though because it’s hard (even for me!) to believe, what I have overcome through Faith, in order to share with you where I am, today. Most people wouldn’t be able to look at my circumstances and label me as a success story, I certainly do.

Four years ago, I wasn’t even sure I’d live another day, much less be able to tell people what happened or I ended up that way. The last 7 years, I have basically existed, while entrenched i an invisible battle, fighting daily, to simply survive and find some sort of safe space, while it may have looked like I was perfectly content at the time, to be on the beach, in the woods, or couch surfing, none of those places, I could actually relax or enjoy though, I was sure there was something wrong with me.

Turns out, yes, my instincts were correct, I was living in a way (maximum capacity stress) that brought on constant fear, insecurity, and worry. I believe it the majority of the downward spiral began in 2014, when I fell out of a tree, attempting to mount a trail cam, smashing may face and knee and the next day, my grandmother who was my primary caretaker, passed away. I am grateful to have hurt myself because I always would call her and we got to speak an entire hour, the day before she passed away.

Five months later, my father died, I can only assume he killed himself since it was the night of my birthday, he always had a fascination with death and I’m pretty sure it was his 9th attempt to cross over and that was his way of saying “peace out”. After that, I really felt I had no one to talk to, all this in my first year of marriage, made things difficult to enjoy the fact that I was in Hawaii. I still had no idea what depression was or that I could even have a reason to be labeled as such and yet I felt NO joy in anything. I couldn’t even hold my camera and when I’d sit down to edit, or VLOG or write, the tears would come out of no where and I began to have seizures.

To put it into as simple terms as possible, I refused to admit I needed help and continued to hope that eventually things would get better, they got worse though, everything fell apart and I am so grateful for having lost literally everything and seemingly everyone. It was only then, that I could truly begin to see who I am and how those experiences, crafted me into the person I am today. Which brings me to this film….

This project has been on my mind, every day, since 2006. Even through all the health issues and grief, I still thought of ways I could move forward, I tried SO hard and that was the problem, I never allowed myself to take a break and that broke me. Try, Try, Try, and with great force, which is what we are told to do but no one mentions the importance of stepping away and every time I would, I noticed the momentum would pick back up and carry me to the next bit of motivation I needed to stay alive, purely to finish this project. I literally broke out of the hospital because I was convinced they were going to kill me and I wasn’t upset about that, I was more concerned about the film and what might happen to my hard drives.

It’s a silly notion, to some… to me, art and being able to express myself in a manner that others actually enjoy, is everything! I thought I lost the ability to do so and it was simply my mind and body doing it’s best to protect me from further harm. That’s the issue with trauma, your brain wants to protect you from the things that it perceives as harm, to me that became everything, people, housing, traveling, everything was painful and I held on to anything I could, that brought me even the slightest bit of immediate relief. Some of those things healthy and others, not so much and over time, began to eliminate the thoughts which perpetually drove me, to those less healthy coping mechanisms, by choosing to remain focused, on what was/is actually, helpful and healthy. If you’ve been there, you know it’s easier said than done and takes time to fully integrate a new way of thinking and reacting.

ART and especially working on this film, has helped me through life tremendously and isn’t it ironic that the Creator, created us, in His image, so I interpret that as ….we are here to create.

To CREATE love, joy, peace, happiness, goodness, endurance, friendship, beauty, faithfulness, and the wonderful experiences, which make life worth perpetuating.

When I’m in tune with my self , my emotions, my body, and spirit, it’s Divine, I can bust out work without trying so freaking hard, so of course the World wants to throw all kinds of distractions, in the form of drama, injuries, grief, separation, loneliness, anger, and anxiety, to distract me from such creative endeavors. SO many people, wonder why I’d even on, so long, on just on this ONE project (is it done yet, when are you going to be done, why isn’t it finished?). Those reasons are what makes being autistic, so awesome, I fixate on things and learned over time, hyper focus CAN be a good thing, if it’s channeled into something healthy, thinking differently really paid off because there was no chance of making a series like this right out of school, I needed this life experience in order to bring this project to the level that such a significant part of our History, deserves. Even as a short film, the project has helped open doors to incredible adventures, friendships, learning opportunities, and of course the location, is just incredible!

That’s why I’m still here and God willing, I shall continue towards the finish line, while I enjoy the journey, once again! I honestly wasn’t sure if I could even leave the house much less enjoy it, so if you’re going through the ringer, I can be the living proof that things CAN and WILL get better, especially when you get your Mind, Body, and Spirit to work together towards a destination and remember to be anxious about NOTHING.

I have already written the screenplay, for my next project and simply going back through, everything I have already done on this series, over the last 16+ years, reminded me, greatness take time!!!! All good things take time. I wouldn’t trade the life experiences I have gained, along the way, for ANY amount of coin. The treasure lies purely in the adventure of exploring and learning new things and sharing what I find, with others who are equally as interested.

Thanks for visiting this page and supporting this labor of love, it’s a part of me and I truly appreciate everyone, who has helped me, along the way, including you, by clicking to read this. Looking forward to a new beginning and revisiting some old memories from a new perspective.